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第25章亲爱的母亲DearMom(2)
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Lately,I’vebeguntolookonmotherhoodasaninitiationinto“reallife”
.Idon’tthinkIrealizeduntilJana’sbirththatthelifeI’dledpreviously—relativelyfree,easy,athelifeledbymostpeople—pastorpresent.Bybeother,Iseemtohaveacquiredautomaticmembershipintoauniversalclubmadeupofuiesaies,limitationsanddiffidsometimes,unsolvableproblems.Ofcourse,theclubhasitsbeoo.
WhenJanawakesfromherafternoonnapand,sohappytoseeme,givesmeherradiantfull-facesmile,IsmilebadfeelonmyowhesmileyouusedtogivemewheheOr,whehingparticularlycute,I’llglaGary,andinthelookweexgeIseetheoneIremembergbetweenyouanddadatoppositeeable.ItwasalookfulloffeelingsIilnow.
WhenIholdJaomeandlookdowntoseemyhandtightacrossherchest.OrwhenItuketaroundherwhileshesleepsandtouchtheskinofhercheek.Iseeyourhands(thhandswiththeirsmoothovalnails,steadyanddg)doihings.ThenIfeelasifsomeoftheloveayyougaveththosehandsisnowinmine,asIpassthatloveontoJana.
&herdayJanafellasleepagainstmyarImusthavespewearingather,marvelicolorofherhair,thesupplenessofherskiih,movingnowandthearushIfelt,ofloveandwonder,ofdludmore.IsuddenlyrememberedsomethingIsawonyourfacelastsummer,whenIwashomeonavisitshortlyafterJana’sbirth.
&ingonthegliderswinginthebackyard.Itwasal,coolthereintheshade,andtheairwasfullranyarden.IwasholdingJaoelemovementoftheswing.
ButIwasn’tenjoyinganythingjustthen.I’dhadaroughnight.Janawassixweeksoldandhadbeenupeveryfewhours.I,fretfulandnervousasoherbe,hadbeenhavingtroublefallingbacktosleepbetweenherfeedings.Iwasdtired,andnotfeelingcheerfulaboutthismotherhoodbusiall.
Sittingontheglider,wetalked—orrather,Italked,lettingloosemyloadofayandfrustrationsonyou.Andoutoftheblue,youreachedovertotouchmyhair.
“It’ssopretty.”
yousaid,anoddexpressiononyourface.“Thewaythesunishittingitjusticedyouhadshlightsbefore.”
Alittleembarrassed,preoccupiedwithhtsandproblems,Ishruggedoffyourent.Idon’tknowwhatIsaid,somethingshortanddismissive,nodoubt,asIwavedawaytheent.Butyourwordsaffectedme.Ithadbeenalongtimesineohingtrulybeautifulinme,andI
IthastakehislohatthelookyougavemethatdayisthesamelookIgiveheralmostdaily.AnditmakesmewopossiblethatyoustillseethemiramethatIseeihemagiueevenwhenyrownandgoneahemselves?WillIlookatJanainthirtyyearsandstillfeelthesamerushofloveforherthatIdonow?
Italmosthurtstothinkofthatkioovulile.Ikhebarriersthatspriweeheirovertheyears,thefriisuandings,thedailyflidstruggles,theiablepullingawayandfinalbreakforindepeothinkthatsomedayJanaaveawaymytentativewordsofloveasIdidyours.
enstrushoflove?Isitloststheway,buriedbeiicalitiesfchild?Orisitthereallalongunvoiexpressed,until,perhaps,anewchildisbornandamotherreachesouttothter’shair?
That,itseemstome,istherealmiracle:thewayamother’sloveisrediscovered,repeated,passedonagainandagain—asithasbeenhandeddowninourlivesfromyoutome,frommetoJana,andfromJaoherowisagiftinitself.
&I’vebeeosayallalongis,thanks,Mo
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